Always a bridesmaid . . .

I married off another best friend yesterday.  It get's harder each time.  I used to shed a few tears on the wedding day.  This time I bawled for weeks before the wedding, dreading being abandoned once again.  The tears just keep coming and will continue for a while.  My little heart can't handle making such a good friend and then loosing her to marriage.  I'm so happy for Heather, I really am.  But sad for me.  I'm alone again and I hate being alone.  It was so nice to have companionship.  I love Heather a lot and miss her terribly already.  She has been such a wonderful and loving friend.  I'm so grateful for the short few months we had to live together.  I learned a lot from her.  I only hope I was a loving friend to her and an influence for good. I'm happy for Heather and Adriaan as they begin their eternal family together.  I'm so glad they chose to be sealed in the temple and are righteous and worthy of eternal blessings.

I know it isn't the end.  But let's be honest, it is the beginning of the end.  At least, that is how it has always been. I still talk to my married friends periodically, get a Christmas card from them, and perhaps see them every once in a while.  But things are never the same. They are married now and I'm not.  Their priority is their husband and family. They are in a new dimension of life, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It is something I haven't experienced and don't understand.  Even though I am older than almost all of my married friends, I feel so much younger.  Being married makes them feel so much more mature than me.  I feel young, naive, clueless, and like we just don't relate anymore. I'm just the single "little sister" who doesn't understand and hasn't "grown up" yet.

I need a permanent friend and companion who won't abandon me.  I need an eternal companion. But I guess Heavenly Father has other plans for me right now and it's up to me to figure out what those plans are.

Looking back . . . 

Here are some of my best friends' weddings over the years. Good times! (There are a few missing that I still don't have pictures of.)  "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" . . .  Funny thing is, I've never really officially been a bridesmaid, except at my friend Linda's wedding in Colombia.

To my married best friends: 

I love you.  I will love you forever.  I haven't forgotten you and never will.  You are always in my heart.  You are a part of who I am. You are tender mercies in my life. Thank you for your love and friendship. Thank you for your examples of righteousness, obedience, eternal marriage, and raising a family with Jesus Christ at the center of your home. Hugs!

A little tender mercy

As I was walking into my building on campus at 7:45 a.m. with a banana peel in my hand from my breakfast on-the-go, a guy was walking out the door. He looked at me and said, "Hi, how are you?" as he waited so he could hold open the door for me. I thanked him. He then said, "I hope you have a great day!"

I have never seen this person before. He was just being nice and I really felt his sincerity. It made my day! I felt the Spirit and the love of Heavenly Father through the kindness and optimism of another one of His children.

Conquering Graduate School (a work in progress)

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." - Ether 12:27Whenever I hear someone say, "I like graduate school. It is so much easier and better than undergrad." I have two reactions. First, I want to ring their neck. And then I want to plop down an cry. Because my program is the hardest thing I have ever done.



Me in my "element" as a graduate student

 I am in the Speech-Language Pathology Master's program at BYU. I ask myself every day, "Why am I doing this?" And I haven't come up with a very motivating answer. But because I haven't been able to find better alternative, I continue to move forward, with faith and hope that things will get better.

I often wish I had gone to U of U (which is where I wanted to go initially, but I felt like I needed to come to BYU which was the LAST place I wanted to go).

One of the hardest things about my graduate school program is the constant feeling of panic and confusion, never knowing what is going on or what I need to be doing.

So why am I doing this?

• Education is never a waste of time and I don't have anything else to do. We are encouraged to get as much education as possible.
• Nothing else worked. I considered and tried so many educational/career paths: music, photography, child development, psychology, social work, nursing, child life specialist, autism aide, pipe organ building, Spanish interpreter, and so much more. But all were "dead ends".
• Speech Pathology was one of the the paths I tried and I haven't hit a dead end yet. I told Heavenly Father that I would move forward with faith and take a step into the dark, trusting that if it wasn't right He would stop me and I would be guided to the right path. I'm still here, moving forward . . . hoping that someday the lights will come on.

I must be in this program and this field because it IS hard for me. I am being forced to face some of my greatest fears and weaknesses. It is a refiner's fire: an opportunity that Heavenly Father has given me to grow and become stronger. Maybe I would have been happier at a different school, or a different career. Maybe there would have been an easier option. But this life isn't about finding the easy way out. Heavenly Father doesn't usually let me take the easy path. He wants me to struggle, learn, grow, rise above, and become the best Katherine I can be. Because this is what brings true joy in the end. The trick is being happy and hopeful during the journey. That is what I am working on. (Any ideas?)



My roommates, Jeniel, Rachelle,
and I (dressed up for Harry Potter).

 I have been looking for tender mercies and possible reasons that I am at BYU. The biggest tender mercies I have received have been the people I have met. I love my classmates! They call us a "cohort". There are 15 of us and we have been like a family since day one. We are all in the same classes, same room, every day. We are the perfect mix of personalities which helps keep us all sane. I LOVE my roommates! I have lived with Rachelle for a couple a years and she has been a great blessing in my life! It has been blast to get to know Jeniel who has helped me balance school and play, reminding me to look for the good and choose to be happy.





The "cohort"