BigKath: Just in case you were wondering, "bigkath" is made up of the first part of my last and first names and has nothing to do with my size. :o)

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Stuck under a glass ceiling

It is interesting how my married friends and family forget that I'm just as old or older than they are. I often hear the words, "I didn't realize you were that old..." Just because they have a husband and maybe a few kids, they feel "older" and more experienced and forget that I have as many or more years of experience in life as they do. I feel them looking down on me, treating me as a "young, naive, and inexperienced" girl who is too clueless to have anything worthwhile to offer them. They talk down to me as if I don't understand. I hate that feeling.

Being single in Happy Valley, Utah at age 29 is like being stuck under a glass ceiling. I can see my married friends and loved ones continue their upward progression as they begin their eternal families and raise them in righteousness. I see their happiness and their hard times leading them up this eternal progression. Their lives are not perfect, but they are accomplishing God's plan, fulfilling His commandments, and learning and progressing as they overcome difficulties.

But I remain below the glass ceiling. As a single woman, it is as if I can only progress to a certain point emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is hard to look up and see everyone above me, looking down on me as if to say: "Why aren't you up here with us? Maybe you just need more faith. Maybe you're too picky. Maybe you'll come up here in the next life...but it will happen, don't worry. Be happy down there!" Yeah, right! Easy for you to say! You're not down here anymore! They forget so fast what is it like to be single. Sometimes they try to be comforting and say, "It is really hard up here. Marriage is harder than you think. You have no idea. Just enjoy it while you're down there." Oh thanks...I feel SO sorry for you and I feel SO much better down here in your shadows and eating your dust...

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. But it is hard when we have drilled in our heads since we were 12 years old in Young Women that eternal marriage and family is the most important thing we accomplish in this life, that we should prepare for motherhood, develop homemaking skills, be a good wife, and if we keep the commandments, we will find a righteous husband, get married in the temple, and live happily ever after! Well, they taught me well because that's all I ever wanted. Nothing more. (I WILL change this false "happily ever after" way of thinking when I'm a Young Women leader. This is not a healthy way of teaching the young women).
Well, it hasn't happened the way they drilled me in Young Women classes. Now I feel like a failure. I feel stuck, restricted, lost, helpless, and hopeless.

I need to learn how to be happy now, underneath the glass ceiling, or I'll never be happy in marriage. I need to figure out how to be satisfied with what I'm doing with my life now. Maybe I'll find a best friend and receive the marriage ordinance in this life. Maybe I won't. But I need to be happy with my life now (and I've got a huge problem.  I hate my career...with a passion. I can't even comprehend doing it for the rest of my life. But that's for another conversation). I need to find the things that make me happy and do them. One of the things that makes me most happy is serving others. By serving others and finding other things that bring joy into my life, I will conquer the glass ceiling eventually!  Christ will help me if I trust Him and persevere.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Ay! Chihuahua!

Meet Raya! She even smiled for the camera!
I've conquered another "first" (not exactly a fear, but it was definitely a big change for me)! I am the proud mama of a 7 year old Chihuahua! Can you believe it? Don't worry, I still can't believe it either. I have never been a pet person. I never understood why people would want a stinky fur ball on four legs walking around their house or yard making messes. Now I understand why!

My little Raya (which is Hebrew for "friend"), literally squeals and howls when I come home. It melts my heart to have someone excited to see me. She loves to snuggle with me (as long as she's under a blanket). She is very quiet (except when someone knocks at the door). She is a sensitive little soul with a tender heart. She is forgiving and loves unconditionally.

I give thanks to my loving friend Heather for talking me into getting a pet (and finding this dog who needed a new home) so that I would have something to take care of and love after she left. And thanks to Raya, for keeping my heart soft.