Stuck under a glass ceiling

It is interesting how my married friends and family forget that I'm just as old or older than they are. I often hear the words, "I didn't realize you were that old..." Just because they have a husband and maybe a few kids, they feel "older" and more experienced and forget that I have as many or more years of experience in life as they do. I feel them looking down on me, treating me as a "young, naive, and inexperienced" girl who is too clueless to have anything worthwhile to offer them. They talk down to me as if I don't understand. I hate that feeling.

Being single in Happy Valley, Utah at age 29 is like being stuck under a glass ceiling. I can see my married friends and loved ones continue their upward progression as they begin their eternal families and raise them in righteousness. I see their happiness and their hard times leading them up this eternal progression. Their lives are not perfect, but they are accomplishing God's plan, fulfilling His commandments, and learning and progressing as they overcome difficulties.

But I remain below the glass ceiling. As a single woman, it is as if I can only progress to a certain point emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is hard to look up and see everyone above me, looking down on me as if to say: "Why aren't you up here with us? Maybe you just need more faith. Maybe you're too picky. Maybe you'll come up here in the next life...but it will happen, don't worry. Be happy down there!" Yeah, right! Easy for you to say! You're not down here anymore! They forget so fast what is it like to be single. Sometimes they try to be comforting and say, "It is really hard up here. Marriage is harder than you think. You have no idea. Just enjoy it while you're down there." Oh thanks...I feel SO sorry for you and I feel SO much better down here in your shadows and eating your dust...

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. But it is hard when we have drilled in our heads since we were 12 years old in Young Women that eternal marriage and family is the most important thing we accomplish in this life, that we should prepare for motherhood, develop homemaking skills, be a good wife, and if we keep the commandments, we will find a righteous husband, get married in the temple, and live happily ever after! Well, they taught me well because that's all I ever wanted. Nothing more. (I WILL change this false "happily ever after" way of thinking when I'm a Young Women leader. This is not a healthy way of teaching the young women).

Well, it hasn't happened the way they drilled me in Young Women classes. Now I feel like a failure. I feel stuck, restricted, lost, helpless, and hopeless.

I need to learn how to be happy now, underneath the glass ceiling, or I'll never be happy in marriage. I need to figure out how to be satisfied with what I'm doing with my life now. Maybe I'll find a best friend and receive the marriage ordinance in this life. Maybe I won't. But I need to be happy with my life now (and I've got a huge problem.  I hate my career...with a passion. I can't even comprehend doing it for the rest of my life. But that's for another conversation). I need to find the things that make me happy and do them. One of the things that makes me most happy is serving others. By serving others and finding other things that bring joy into my life, I will conquer the glass ceiling eventually!  Christ will help me if I trust Him and persevere.

Ay! Chihuahua!

Meet Raya! She even smiled for the camera!

I've conquered another "first" (not exactly a fear, but it was definitely a big change for me)! I am the proud mama of a 7 year old Chihuahua! Can you believe it? Don't worry, I still can't believe it either. I have never been a pet person. I never understood why people would want a stinky fur ball on four legs walking around their house or yard making messes. Now I understand why!

My little Raya (which is Hebrew for "friend"), literally squeals and howls when I come home. It melts my heart to have someone excited to see me. She loves to snuggle with me (as long as she's under a blanket). She is very quiet (except when someone knocks at the door). She is a sensitive little soul with a tender heart. She is forgiving and loves unconditionally.

I give thanks to my loving friend Heather for talking me into getting a pet (and finding this dog who needed a new home) so that I would have something to take care of and love after she left. And thanks to Raya, for keeping my heart soft.

Always a bridesmaid . . .

I married off another best friend yesterday.  It get's harder each time.  I used to shed a few tears on the wedding day.  This time I bawled for weeks before the wedding, dreading being abandoned once again.  The tears just keep coming and will continue for a while.  My little heart can't handle making such a good friend and then loosing her to marriage.  I'm so happy for Heather, I really am.  But sad for me.  I'm alone again and I hate being alone.  It was so nice to have companionship.  I love Heather a lot and miss her terribly already.  She has been such a wonderful and loving friend.  I'm so grateful for the short few months we had to live together.  I learned a lot from her.  I only hope I was a loving friend to her and an influence for good. I'm happy for Heather and Adriaan as they begin their eternal family together.  I'm so glad they chose to be sealed in the temple and are righteous and worthy of eternal blessings.

I know it isn't the end.  But let's be honest, it is the beginning of the end.  At least, that is how it has always been. I still talk to my married friends periodically, get a Christmas card from them, and perhaps see them every once in a while.  But things are never the same. They are married now and I'm not.  Their priority is their husband and family. They are in a new dimension of life, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It is something I haven't experienced and don't understand.  Even though I am older than almost all of my married friends, I feel so much younger.  Being married makes them feel so much more mature than me.  I feel young, naive, clueless, and like we just don't relate anymore. I'm just the single "little sister" who doesn't understand and hasn't "grown up" yet.

I need a permanent friend and companion who won't abandon me.  I need an eternal companion. But I guess Heavenly Father has other plans for me right now and it's up to me to figure out what those plans are.

Looking back . . . 

Here are some of my best friends' weddings over the years. Good times! (There are a few missing that I still don't have pictures of.)  "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" . . .  Funny thing is, I've never really officially been a bridesmaid, except at my friend Linda's wedding in Colombia.

To my married best friends: 

I love you.  I will love you forever.  I haven't forgotten you and never will.  You are always in my heart.  You are a part of who I am. You are tender mercies in my life. Thank you for your love and friendship. Thank you for your examples of righteousness, obedience, eternal marriage, and raising a family with Jesus Christ at the center of your home. Hugs!

More fears conquered

A little too much fun!

Why didn't anyone tell me how
awful my hair looked?

I completed another "first"!  I shot a gun! And according to my friend, I was pretty decent at it for a first timer, so watch out!  I had never touched a gun before in my life and I was nervous.  But my best friend, Heather, helped walk me through it and was right there to help. I think I hit the targets I was shooting at about half the time.  And most of my misses were because I started trying to double tap (shoot twice in a row).  Cool!  I secretly really enjoyed shooting!  :)

Thanks, Heather, for helping me conquer fears!

We went on a campout getaway in October and let's just say it was . . . memorable. Yes, it snowed.  I think the pictures tell the story quite nicely.  I really did have a great time though!

Doesn't this look like so much fun???

Not a waterproof tent . . . obviously

Cheese Wiz fun!

We stayed pretty warm in our snow covered tent

Heather and her Fiance, Adriaan. This photo is not photoshopped. The water really was that green!

 

I'm also working on another great fear of mine . . . SWIMMING! I haven't been able to swim. I'm skinny and I don't float. And various experiences throughout my life have led me dislike the water more and more.  So, Heather took me to the pool and patiently worked with me to get more comfortable in the water.  We realized my problem is that I don't know how to breathe! The concept of breathing out through the nose while under water and in through the mouth is completely backwards to me. No wonder! My underwater reflexes need some work. We "swam" for a good 2 hours. I only aspirated once and came up gasping and making terrible noises (it's kinda scary and really embarrassing).  I did a lot of practicing blowing bubbles. Back to the basics! It's going to take a while to conquer swimming.  But I'm working on it!

Graduated and on to "real life"

An update is long overdue!  The first big news is that I graduated from BYU with my Master's in Speech-Language Pathology. It was a long and hard two years and there were many barriers trying to keep me from graduating. But I did it!

A special thanks to "Trooper", my computer who was my constant companion and got me through grad school.  I wouldn't have been able to do it without him.  We even fell down the stairs together and he still has a big scar on his corner to this day.  He has gotten old and is retired now from his duties.  I only fire him up every once in a while.  He gets tired really fast and wants to turn back off (without warning me of course . . . hum... sounds like my patients).


Another thanks to "Backpack" who has been with me since my freshman year of college.  He endured 10 years of lugging heavy textbooks, laptops, and who knows what else.  And thanks to "Sebastian," my faithful car, who got me to classes, internships, the grocery store, and anywhere else I needed to go.

And most of all, thanks you to my wonderful family and friends (yes YOU!) who have given constant support and encouragement.  I would not be who I am today without you.


I am working as a speech therapist at a Rehabilitation and Nursing home.  It has been challenging and I am learning a lot. I am now a professional working woman, something I never wanted to be, but I'm interested to find out what Heavenly Father has in store for me and why He needed me to be a speech therapist. I know there is a reason for all things.

My daddy

My dad is:

patient

hard working

faithful

wise

a priesthood holder

optimistic

diligent

artistic

classy

handsome

funny

intelligent

I love my daddy boy.  Happy Father's day!

Another year, rediscovering myself

It was an interesting birthday this year.  Some years are better than others I guess.  My birthday last year was so amazing thanks to my great roommates and friends at the time and thanks to all of you who sent me those birthday letters.

This year, most of my family and friends were gone. :(  My brother did fly back into town that day so I was glad at least he came home on my birthday.  We had some brother-sister time before I had to get back to do clinic and other school stuff.  That evening a couple of my friends who were still around came with me to hike the Y.  It was a small group and a little awkward at times, but it ended up okay.  The weather was perfect and Heavenly Father gave me a beautiful sunset to end the day!

I contemplated the past year or so; the things I've accomplished and the kind of person I have become.  I'm almost finished with graduate school and in another time of transition.  I'm in a place in life I never thought I would be: a single woman and working professional (which is that LAST thing I ever wanted).  But I have been given this time to serve my family and friends and all of Heavenly Father's children. 

I think this next year will be a time to rediscover myself.  I want to work on:

• being more supportive and loving to my friends and family by being there for them and finding ways to show them I care
• being more willing to sacrifice and take more time for people, because people and relationships are the most important things in life
• not letting fear get in the way of faith and progress
• be more diligent in my gospel study and fully trusting Heavenly Father to make my life what He wants
• developing talents (piano, dance, photography, guitar, and I'm working on getting the courage to start learning the cello!)